today i found that i am silly enough not to back up files, and i know nothing about how wordpress actually works in the background at all. it’s almost a lovely, and equally terrible sight to see all the words i have written become illegible, a ruin of remains.
among many other things worth or worth not to mention, my head hurts like splitting, like yesterday and the day before.
“reality” as far as i remember it – evoking without appealing to it – seems a haze of thoughts and borrowed opinions, emotions and vibes going all the wrong ways, imprints, energy exchange, life arrested in deadened forms, in surplus… human action founded on knowledge, which is always partial and exclusive, remains to be the most damaging.
26 年前才21 歲的女孩是Supriya Pathak;代唱的是據說灌錄了三萬首電影插曲的 Lata Mangeshkar;歌詞來自Meer Taqi Meer 的詩作;片段來自Sagar Sarhadi 執導的Bazaar (1982)。
烏都語拼音,唔識都可以跟住唱:
*Dikhayi Diye Yoon Ke Bekhudh Kiya
Humein Aapse Bhi Judaa Kar Chale
*Jabeen Sajda Karte Hi karte Gayi
Haq-E-Bandgi Hum Adaa Kar Chale
*Parastish Ki Yaan Tak Kay But Tujhe
Nazar Mein Sabonki Khuda Kar chele
*Bahut Arzoo Thi Gali Ki Teri
So Yaas-e-Lahoo Mein Naha Kar Chale
英譯:
Saw you in such a way that made me forget myself
You seperated me from even myself
My head kept bowing in prayers for you
I fulfilled my duty of being truthfully devotional
I even worshipped you
I made you God in everyones eyes
I longed (desired or wish) alot for the way to your home
I bathed in blood of despair.
另一個譯本:
Such was your sight, that I was enraptured;
You left me feeling beside myself.
I curtsied, and kept on doing it;
I expressed my devotion (to you) thus.
I adored you so much, that you became my idol;
I made you a God in everybody’s eyes.
I so longed to be on your street;
That I bathed myself in the blood (tears) of despair.
再另一個譯本:
Whenever I see you, I am so lost and unaware that I become distant even from you.
When I start bowing to you I could not stop and bowed again and again, I fulfilled the duty of the faithful.
I came thinking of you as an angel, but when I left everyone believed you to be the God.
I was so desirable to see your street once, that I had ceremonial bath of my lifeblood before I left my house to reach you.
你知道的,人人都犯過感冒、人人都有點神經過敏,不會不懂得體恤。只是你小器,不懂得接納人家的體恤、人家的放心。病人許是全世界最小器的「羣體」,「羣體」成員以各自相輕、My Pain is Better Than Your Pain 的忌恨而維持連繫,沒有解散、沒有團結。對病人的呵護、溺寵、規勸、責罵,多一點不能、少一點不成。病人心裡有個鬱結,病的那人是我,不是誰。而且,不要因為我「病了」才這樣待我。而且,那「病」就是我自己,請用最温柔的力度捉緊我。那個心結也只有自己解脫,與醫藥無關、終究亦與得到多少呵護、溺寵、規勸、責罵關係不大。身體不適讓人不耐煩,病人說「讓我一個人!」、甚至「由得我死去好了!」他說的是他不耐煩、他是在生自己的氣。身體不適讓他一下覺到自己依賴、不自由、不能動,可是那依賴、那不自由、那不能動,不在於身體不適。
那病態一直在你裡面、一直在,只是今兒又來探訪,你必須招呼它一下,你必須安慰它如像安慰一個半夜突然敲門請求借宿的旅客,他是你的表親遠房,眼袋略嫌太重、鼻子塌下去的模樣跟你有點相像、湊合得出的打扮有點丢人,夜媽媽,正值肚餓想找吃的與渴睡想睡到天明兩種敵對欲望打成平手之際,你一隻手支著門檻說,「做乜咁晏先嚟唔打個電話?」,他說「因為旅途上的各種阻延……而且你的電話好像關了」——經典的 “The Double” Motif ,而且沒有美女出演禍水紅顏一角—— 你只有讓他進來,放下行李、給他掛好外衣、讓他一屁股坐在你的床沿,你知道從那一刻起始,手上的工作、擱在房裡的一切必將遭受打擾、一切得延誤,可是你走去泡茶、弄點吃的給闖進來的那人和自己吧,他說他的名字叫「感冒」,你聽說過的,他非常小器、對一切都過份執著,整天多疑得像受了甚麼驚嚇而不能說出…… 你等燒水的當兒、正為冰箱裡僅存的食材不知要弄的甚麼而不知道客人的口味悶生惆悵,他開始好奇的檢閱房裡的一切、開始翻你的書、還開著了枱燈在看,你只有作打地鋪的打算,知道自己將會睡不是睡、醒不是醒,徹夜頸脖扭著的聽他說他要告訴你的一切,在他說到興高釆烈或憂戚失神之際,他會突然打住,目光直照到你的眼底裡,你必須回答,即便是裝著懶洋洋的回答,理解但無法體會、體會而未能理解…… 你得供予他要求的一切、照顧他目前說要就要的需要。直至他下次再來探訪,不知模樣要變成怎樣、化名甚麼,你還是會認出自己的,支在門檻的那一隻手又會放下去,身子不覺一讓,壓抑與失落一下全跑出來。