(…) People are bad, good, clever, stupid, pleasant and unpleasant; but superfluous… no. That’s to say, if you want to understand me: the universe could get along without such people… of course; but uselessness is not their chief quality, not their distinctive characteristic, and when you talk about them the word “superfluous” is not the first one that springs to one’s tongue. But in my case, nothing else can be said about me: I’m superfluous and that’s all there is to it. Redundant - nothing else. Nature did not count on my appearance and therefore treated me like an unexpected and unbidden guest. One joker has said of me not inappropriately, keen on cards as he was, that I was the throwaway card in my mother’s hand. I talk about myself now calmly, with no bitterness… The game’s long over! During the course of my life I constantly found my place already occupied, perhaps because I looked for it in the wrong place. I was highly strung, pitifully shy, extremely irritable, like all ill people; in addition, perhaps through excessive self-regard or generally through the unsuccessful structure of my personality, there existed between my feelings and my thoughts — and the expression of these feelings and thoughts — some senseless, incomprehensible and impregnable obstacles. And when I tried to overcome this obstacle by force, to smash this barrier, my movements, my facial expression, my whole being acquired a look of intense effort: I not only looked, but I actually became unnatural and over-wrought: I felt this myself and hastened to return to what I was. Then a frightful panic would arise in me. I used to analyse myself down to the last thread, used to compare myself with others, recalled all the smallest glances, smiles and words of those to whom I’d tried to be frank, interpreted everything in a bad light, laughed viciously at my attempts “to be like the rest” — and suddenly, in the midst of my laughing, I’d give way to sadness, fall into ludicrous despondency and once again start the whole process all over again — in short, I went round and round like a squirrel on a wheel. Whole days went by in this tormenting, fruitless activity. Well, now just you tell me, to whom and for what is such a man necessary? Who knows and who will say why this happened to me, what was the cause of this nitpicking concern with myself?
I remember I was once travelling away from Moscow in a diligence. The road was good, but the driver hitched up a fifth horse to the four already in harness. This unfortunate fifth horse, completely useless, tied somehow to the shaft by a short, stout rope which mercilessly cut its haunch, rubbed its tail and forced it to run in the most unnatural fashion, lending its whole body the shape of a comma, always aroused in me profound pity. I remarked to the driver that on this occasion one could get by without a fifth horse… He said nothing, shook his head, lashed the horse ten times with his whip across its thin back and distended stomach — and muttered, not without a grin: “Look, it’s dragged itself along right enough! Devil knows why, eh?“
And I’ve dragged myself along just like that… though, thanks heavens, the post-station’s not far off now.
— Ivan Turgenev.
“The Diary of a Superfluous Man” First Love & Other Stories. Trans. Richard Freeborn. Oxford& NY: Oxford UP, 1989. pp33-34.
25 Nov, 07
我的其中一個偶像Morrissey 是個自戀狂。
後生到老都無變過。
個樣乞人憎，個頭仲愈梳愈高。
當年佢唱：
“I was happy in the haze of a humdrum town, and heaven knows I’m miserable now;
I was looking for a job, and then i found a job, and heaven knows I’m miserable!”
我跟住唱，恰似青春彷徨。
當年佢唱：
“Take me out tonight, take me anywhere I don’t care… I want to see the people and I want to see life…
driving in your car, oh please don’t drop me home, cause it’s not home, it’s their home and I’ m welcomed no more…
and if a double decker bus crashes into us, to die by your side is such a heavenly way to die…”
我又跟住唱，仲唱左俾一位有錢女同學聽。結果證明巴士司機絕大部份都安全至上。
早兩年佢又唱：
“There is no one on Earth i’ m afraid of, and no Regime can buy me or sell me…”
偉大副歌：“I’ ve been dreaming of a time when the English are sick to death of Labour & Tories
and spit upon the name Oliver Cornwell,
and denounce this Royal line that salutes him”
我更加要跟住大唱特唱，仲將歌名「Irish Blood, English Heart」一句改做 Hong Kong Heart, Kowloon Blood! 然後因為音樂會吾可以有政治表態同人散Band。
今日，無意中看到老摩新細碟 「You Have Killed Me」的封面照，老摩一身老西瞓火車軌想死，不耐煩在看腕表的樣子，咁可愛，所以我淨係想快D 老、肥左D 都吾緊要。
13 Nov, 06
…But if man is to find his way once again into the nearness of Being he must first learn to exist in the nameless. In the same way he must first recognize the seductions of the public realm as well as the impotence of the private. Before he speaks man must first let himself be claimed again by Being, taking the rsik that under this claim he will seldom have much to say. Only thus will the preciousness of its essence be once more bestowed upon the word, and upon man a home for dwelling in the truth of Being. But in the claim upon man, in the attempt to make man ready for this claime, is there not implied a concern about man? Where else does “care” tend but in the direction of bringing man back to his essence? What else does in turn betoken but that man becomes human? Thus humunitas really does remain the concern of such thinking. For this is humanism: mediatating and caring that man be human and not inhumane, “inhuman,” that is, outside his essence. But in what does the humanity of man conisit? It lies in his essence.
— M. Heidegger. Being and Time.
trans. John Macquarrie & Edward Robinson (NY: Harper & Row, 1962) pp199-200.
22 Oct, 06
從小樺的部落格讀到這段文字，寫了一些，又把另一些收起了。 「……因為五官隨著肌肉銷蝕殆盡，因為墓碑已經風化磨滅，因為記憶變得模糊不清，所以，當我們面臨要我們承認骨骸中已經不存在的人性的這種不曾衰減的要求時，要令人滿意地作出反應，是非常困難的。因此，我們就同它們交談起來。你是令譽滿身還是臭名昭著？——這樣我們可以知道應該贊頌你還是譴責你。你是壯年夭折還是壽終正寢？——這樣我們可以知道應該憐憫你還是尊敬你。你是男的還是女的？是漢族人還是少數民族？也許你就住在我們城裡，也許你還是我們的遠房親戚？這些問題屬於這樣的範疇：回答了它們，才有可能在人與人之間建立聯繫。死者緘默不語。可是我們克制不住要同他們交談的欲望，控制不了想把他們套進人際關係這張大網裡。」 ——宇文所安（stephen owen），《追憶——中國古典文學中的往事再現》（remembrance），鄭學勤譯。
歷史上著名的戰爭發動者有許多許多，他們是君王、豪強、獨裁者、野心家，至少也是個「戰爭罪犯」。除卻少數被聖象化以成歷史的大敘述的注脚，戰爭受難者的名字沒有多少人會記起。 除了他／她底親人朋友。 重看高達的《我所知道關於她的二三事》，裡面Juliette 與髮廊同事一同應召，還是讓我惴惴不安；她倆因為現代化巴黎的種種必須開支，下海服侍形色的嫖客，其中一位厭戰的隨軍攝記，著她倆用航空公司旅行袋懞頭，裸身行來行去而為前戲，Juliette問這幹啥，同伴答：「He likes that we don’t see」，Juliette就「突然想到」亞洲的一場戰役，影片剪接到著名的越戰生化武器受害者的臉孔特寫——
就算真主黨是恐怖主義組織吧。(我還是必須要問：為何有人支持恐佈主義，視之為可操作的政治手段？)
就算以色列復國真是堂正義直的歷史必然。(我還是必須要問：軍法殖民是否達致此目的唯一方法？)
如此約莫、泯滅可能的說法，我等生活在「遠方」舒安，望眼欲穿死盯著電視屏幕，依然不諳。 月來有關以色列入侵黎巴嫩的「新聞」，在於事務繁忙、「餐揾餐食餐餐清」的吾人，看著衛星傳送英美電視台提供的畫面，主播小姐郁身郁勢唸口黄，只能抑是冷寞、繼續手中所作，抑是像看球賽般數數看：今晨幾多支飛彈從這邊射過去那邊喇，至中午為止有幾多個國家的幾多萬名僑民已經從邊道撤出邊境…… 報道，又總是以邊一方的領導已經向邊一方發出通牒、又向聯合國班旁証提出抗議、邊D國家點樣譴責、點樣呼籲等等外交聲明作結。或者，偶然有「國際外交專家」分析談道：此期間阿邊個同邊個趁準局勢必將混亂，響邊個後欄位道會乘機入攝，以乜乜號召，引敵詢降，某方地面部隊壓境，可携帶核彈頭的洲際導彈已向邊樹的地面目標瞄準，對方亦打算派出乜野去干擾，而其實整個局勢，係乜乜大東亞大中東勢力均衡的軍政經貿戰略對決。
鏡頭一轉，另邊廂，由於原油價格預期昇穿60 美元一桶，阿拉伯球隊會打假波的呼聲日隆，黑市盤口高開，導致短炒市場出現大量沽盤，再加上東南亞南太平洋一帶海水溫差與斷流使然，令一度高壓脊正影響南海沿岸，為華南地區未來幾日帶來不明朗天氣，間中有狂風雷暴，市民上班前請留意電視及電台廣播，盡量使用公共交通公具，依家我地睇睇衛星圖：嗱！報紙係精神食糧用少個膠袋，我梗係識做……
* * *
每到旺角廣華醫院後面，看到那些買槍玩、買軍服穿著、買軍用剩餘物資當潮飾的大男孩，他們大概也是如此理解，戰爭，或戰爭遊戲罷。
大屠殺、大割引、大劈價、大出血、大對决、大清算，以大歷史、大正義為前設，因之大、因之高、遠而未能言小。 細瑣的微小的故事。正如無名死者、無名受壓迫者的故事，血溶於歷史長河大水。
我城，自由貿易天堂、管理人死攬的鐵達尼號，Sale屎放工做 Shopper。非關資本、非關水脚物流、非關消費娛樂的一切異質、異事、異物，不容滋長、不必追問，或框定為匪夷所思、只能觀之嘩然聞之竊笑之事。 阿拉伯世界，聽來好Q遠，可一想到南隣西藏的東突厥斯坦，自然知道，其實係隔離，漢人與之來往起碼上溯西漢張騫出使西域、絲綢之路的通旅，及後唐朝至元朝不斷開譬，絲路西段北線達今日的哈薩克、吉爾吉斯、伊斯坦堡等地，中線與南線所經處更遠，中線遠達馬什哈德，亦即伊朗；南線達今日的巴基斯坦和印度，亦可經白沙瓦、喀布爾、巴格達、大馬士革往歐洲！那麼，如果阿拉伯世界聽來好Q遠，是歷史的倒退，還是歷史教育的倒退？
我非愛心爆棚、亦非熱血國際的理想青年，我僅是以非常微小的窺管觀看世界，想到去年孟加拉兩百幾個炸彈中午時份連環炸遍全國，我想起達卡和吉大港山脊的一些友人，想到只能在星期天老細放人才可披頭紗出街的印尼幫傭，想到重慶大厦的巴基斯坦餐室裡的食客每天還是想看家鄉的電視節目，想到欲在住處附近連起間清真寺祈下禱都俾人組織起來反對的新界穆斯林，想到無數無數外判或黑市僱請的建築與修路工人，當然還有「佐敦咖喱」的土製口味，尖沙咀Ned Kelly’s Last Stand的尼泊爾美少女侍應，和許許多多在廚房、後巷、梯間、閣樓工作的人…… 無論中文講得好吾好、住吾住公屋、有無身份證，都永遠被質疑的移民、徙民，其實大家係隔離鄰舍，擠廹香港，一樣係「餐揾餐食餐餐清」，時空壓縮的今日，遙遠他方的中東人、穆斯林，分分鐘近過我從上水出九龍。
時空壓縮的今日，上月德國舉行的足球賽事，就是那麼扣人心弦。球員的一傳一踢、斬波又好、刮個波又好、剁個波都好，精湛或水皮的球技，共時廣播、串流到幾百萬個電視屏幕、電腦屏幕。全城參與，賭波波、講波波、睇波波，是為「兒童化」與資本主義科技宰制生活選擇的完美極致。單一、重覆、去思辯、規模化的被動參與，如電子遊戲介面中的Player成了遊戲程式的輸入參項，虛擬的激動，正切中我城的苦悶。
學者Baudrillard稱言1992年美國攻打伊拉克根本没有發生，這個講法曾經令我的兩位紅顏知己爭論了一回。親歷災難、以何種形式親歷災難、甚麼為之親歷、現場在哪？時空壓縮的今日，plasma 和手机彩芒愈出愈大，乜野至少64萬色、乜野都是「高清」的今日，我們卻甚麼都看不見，形同目盲。想是專注於程式按鍵的魔幻時光中，太多Close Up 的關係，倒搞不清那必要的距離，沒有了距離感，親近不能親近，要疏遠的卻是已經摒拒界外而不覺。
距離感的失落，如戰爭難民班雅明所講，遠景印象和住在村落裡面生活所致的熟悉感，兩者排斥、相互的失落從缺。沒有了圖畫輪廓，何來立足一點、注視著生活的經營？沒有了骨架支撐人形輪廓，肌理的酵素分佈精算而無以能動。
就算真主黨是恐怖主義組織吧。 就算以色列復國真是堂正義直的歷史必然。
如此約莫、泯滅可能的說法，也就成立了。我還是要問為甚麼福建人會去伊拉克打工，為甚麼有尼泊爾女傭在黎巴嫩被僱主禁錮不准離開戰區返鄉…… 但因為「餐揾餐食餐餐清」的緣故，「揾餐食」其餘的事情不作它想。警察打人是「揾餐食」、市政追人落河又是「揾餐食」，放左工，幾大梗係要乜乜乜乜，要是有人要把我這個生活的甚麼拿去，我就同你死過！「他者」之所以被視為「他者」不是因為「他者」異己，不是因為紅鬍綠眼、不是因為又窮又嗅、不是因為唔識寫中文、不是因為他是男人她是女人、不是因為無身份證、不是因為攞吾攞福利…… 而是因為紅鬍綠眼、因為又窮又嗅、因為唔識寫中文、因為他是男人她是女人、因為無身份證、因為攞吾攞福利。
我們去理解任何事情的熱心、求知尋問的欲望，都被樣樣事情講求即時回饋的生活磨平—— 襟制要有野出、食野要大份、簽咭要有贈品、飲酒要摸下大脾、睇醫生要有藥食、八達通要自動增值…… 人被操練成廻路的feedback，唔好叫我諗野，我最怕諗野！
簡簡單既生活就係理想生活。
10 Aug, 06
‘
There is no doubt,’ said K. very quietly, for he was pleased by the closely attentive attitude of the whole assembly; from this silence rose a buzz which was more exciting than the wildest applause. ‘T
here is no doubt that behind all the utterances of this court, and therefore behind my arrest and today’s examination, there stands a great organization. An organization which not only employs corrupt warders and fatuous supervisors and examining magistrates, of whom the best that can be said is that they are humble officials, but also supports a judiciary of the highest rank with its inevitable vast retinue of servants, secretaries, police officers and other assistants, perhaps even executioners — I don’t shrink from the word. And the purpose of this great organization, gentlemen? To arrest innocent persons and start proceedings against them which are pointless and mostly, as in my case, inconclusive.‘
– Franz Kafka, The Trial
摘於此
08 Apr, 06
書寫是要知道，即使無從体驗，死亡之已然而在，並且，在忘茫中重新認清它—— 其痕跡踪錯而沒，著人從宇宙的秩序中間離，並投向災難使現實變成不可企及、欲望不可欲之處。
— M.B.
09 Dec, 05
非殖民化在歷史上是與新殖民主義攜手並進的；老式帝國主義那體面的、不情不願的、或暴烈的終結當然意味著一種壓迫形式的終結，但它也明顯意味著一種新型的發明和建構——象徵地說，就像大英帝國被國際貨幣基金組織取而代之。現在正是回憶這些明顯的事實的時刻。
延伸閱讀：
黄孫權— 「世界可能改變搖滾樂嗎？評介《聲音與憤怒》一書」
于奇智— 「薩特與造反理性觀」
20 Nov, 05
