野花
大埔汀角路，愛德新村遺址。Nov/2007
5 則留言 25 Dec, 07
誰缺席、啥從缺？
許多年前的電影節有齣譯名叫「我心爛了」的電影，講一個三十開外的獨身女子在一座城市裡的跌撞生活。我到底有沒有去這齣電影呢，我自己都記不清楚！此刻卻 記起一個女子在街上失魂落泊的遠攝鏡頭，太陽的眩光把女子的頭髮臉孔和襟領洗白、無聲的畫面，突然佔著腦海；大概是另一齣電影的畫面，不知怎地和「我心爛 了」這個名字混淆了…… 記憶的關聯…… 是不是記憶依著自己不可理喻的律則會自行創造、隱殁一些，增生另一些……？在甚麼時候捉弄一下、或鑄成錯失 。我心爛了，in ruin 的意思。無法修整，心象中滿目瘡痍，荒廢的頹垣。可是外表完好無缺，行動尚算自如。要是跌進水裡，還不致給滲透稀稠，還會掙扎著游回岸上，吃力透氣。要是 趕往赴會， 還曉得付費乘車，和乘客禮貌同坐，和朋友見面還懂得要調笑。要是有所工作，怎麼也得程序處之、按章完成於死線以前。
但是內裡零落不成。沒有興味、沒有能量活動，有鬼影如魅，棲在瓦礫破牆中，沒哭嚎、也其實沒有聲音。它們在塌下的城裡臆想繁盛的那個往昔，從牆上的鑒痕、翻覆了的路基中追溯城毁人去的端倪，只是斷片零落不成、無可無不可。
那個女子、那個鬼，在平行不相遇的界上，移行。
我在這裡，怎麼能同時想到這兩種畫面，又看到它們溶鏡一般，接疊而成一起？
1 則留言 25 Aug, 06
轉貼： To Be a Mental Patient
To Be a Mental Patient
by Rae Unzicker (1948-2001)
To be a mental patient is to be stigmatized, ostracized, socialized, patronized, psychiatrized.
To be a mental patient is to have everyone controlling your life but you. You’re watched by your shrink, your social worker, your friends, your family. And then you’re diagnosed as paranoid.
To be a mental patient is to live with the constant threat and possibility of being locked up at any time, for almost any reason.
To be a mental patient is to live on $82 a month in food stamps, which won’t let you buy Kleenex to dry your tears. And to watch your shrink come back to his office from lunch, driving a Mercedes Benz.
To be a mental patient is to take drugs that dull your mind, deaden your senses, make you jitter and drool and then you take more drugs to lessen the “side effects.”
To be a mental patient is to apply for jobs and lie about the last few months or years, because you’ve been in the hospital, and then you don’t get the job anyway because you’re a mental patient. To be a mental patient is not to matter.
To be a mental patient is never to be taken seriously.
To be a mental patient is to be a resident of a ghetto, surrounded by other mental patients who are as scared and hungry and bored and broke as you are.
To be a mental patient is to watch TV and see how violent and dangerous and dumb and incompetent and crazy you are.
To be a mental patient is to be a statistic.
To be a mental patient is to wear a label, and that label never goes away, a label that says little about what you are and even less about who you are.
To be a mental patient is to never to say what you mean, but to sound like you mean what you say.
To be a mental patient is to tell your psychiatrist he’s helping you, even if he is not.
To be a mental patient is to act glad when you’re sad and calm when you’re mad, and to always be “appropriate.”
To be a mental patient is to participate in stupid groups that call themselves therapy. Music isn’t music, its therapy; volleyball isn’t sport, it’s therapy; sewing is therapy; washing dishes is therapy. Even the air you breathe is therapy and that’s called “the milieu.”
To be a mental patient is not to die, even if you want to — and not cry, and not hurt, and not be scared, and not be angry, and not be vulnerable, and not to laugh too loud — because, if you do, you only prove that you are a mental patient even if you are not.
And so you become a no-thing, in a no-world, and you are not.
Rae Unzicker – 1984
文章出處
留言 08 Oct, 05